My youth

Today at “lunch” I mumbled to my parents about how I wished that I could chew- ANYTHING- even a brussel sprout. My mom said that I’ll have a deeper appreciation for chewing and food when this is all over. I’m sure that she is correct as I’ve had a deep appreciation for food since around age 22? Whenever I lived in Spain.

messy foodNobody will get in my way once the “wires” are off. No cupcake is safe, and no sandwich too juicy. I’ve spent days, almost weeks, drooling on myself unknowingly. It will all feel the same.

As I become less clouded by medicine each day,more of the pros and cons to this whole experience come to light.


  1. Starting the day with green juice- “celebrities are just like us”


  1. Not being able to have eggs, toast, oatmeal or literally anything that is actual food to go with the juice.



  1. Feeling creative with the blender


  1. I love food because I like when different tastes and textures come together as one naturally with the help of your brain and your fork… and not blended.



  1. Letting my eyebrows grow out because it seems like a good time to not give a shit, and I’ve been having brow regret and envy for 3 years.


  1. Not experiencing the benefits of giving my face washing routine a rest. I still have/ get/ will always have blackheads weather I scrub them away or not. Till death do us part I guess.



  1. Not feeling guilty about getting out to enjoy the sunshine


  1. Not getting out to enjoy the sunshine.


You get the gist….

So I was thinking these thoughts and more as I ate my lunch of lukewarm watery soup, which was actually the bomb in a way and I will tell you the recipe towards the end. One of the joys of not being able to feel most of my face is that the easiest most efficient way to “eat” is by looking in a mirror as I syringe whatever it is into the little lopsided corner of my mouth. So there I was thinking and looking at myself in the adult bib that I purchased on amazon so that I could dine “fancily” and I realized I bring shame to my age group.

This weekend is Lollapalooza and I will be keeping very much inside. But here I am, 28 years young slurping soup, wearing a bib, and making my mom smash up some zyrtec into my ginger beer strategically poured into a wine glass so that it looked like I was having fun…and it’s gorgeous outside! And I don’t have work to do! I could literally do whatever I wanted within a reasonable budget of $25. It’s a small drop in the big pond of life- one hopes- but yikes.

This will be one of those moments that I go back to when someone says, “hey wanna go out?” and inside I immediately say “ew, not really.” I’ll be like, remember soup bib zyrtec day?! Is that your life? It is? Okay!?

In all honesty I foresee myself becoming a way different person in that regard because I’ve just always had low self esteem related to my teeth and smile. When this is all done I hope that I only ever don’t go out because I genuinely don’t want to and not because I have anxiety.

In the meantime here is my latest favorite comforting recipe in case this pops up on anyone’s google search of “I’m on a liquid diet but still want to eat things that aren’t milkshakes and ensure” 

First go to Trader Joe’s and buy the already made soups. I’ve had two varieties that I’m fond of.

Sweet potato bisque and butternut squash. Yum! What’s great is because they are totally made and smooth you can jazz up the surroundings as you wish. Or if you feel superior, you can buy yourself a sweet potato and  bisque it.

Night one I just added some cream ( trying to get the calories rolling)

Then I got creative and threw in an avocado AND olive oil.Blend it all up and Yum! A splash of lemon is nice also. The final step was all of those things plus some tofu. It made the soup really thick so I did have to water it down a bit so that it fit in my syringe but it was nice to taste some variety and complexity in one little squirt. 


WARNING; This story is about a booger, but it’s kinda funny…

And in conclusion, if you think it sounds like I’m doing great and having way too much fun blending up soups- fear not! Today I coughed and what appeared to be the biggest snot bubble I have ever seen EVER came out of my nostril. So I went to wipe it, and it felt like the actual biggest booger on the planet. I was like OMG maybe I’ll be able to not breath like Darth Vadar anymore! So I went to wipe and then to my little surprise it was a clump of gauze. SICK. VOMIT. OMG. I believe this is why they enforce a no nose blowing rule…which I followed- but I did sneeze like 7 times . Sorry doc.
The good news is that I can breathe out of one nostril. The bad news is I have no idea what may come out of my nose from now on.

I have really felt a lot of love these past few days and it means more than I can describe to get a quick text or email that just says “Hey, hope you’re okay- thinking of you!”

By the way, If you’re not sure what to say to a friend that’s “healing” that’s pretty much it. Generic is great. To use another cliche, it’s the thought that counts. This picture represents one of the two expressions I can make- in this one I am smiling as much as I physically can. Cheers to day 8.









  1. Emma, if you do not know about Kefir, I recommend it. It’s a yogurt based drink which has severa; flavors and comes in quarts or 9 oz. containers if you want to experiment. I think it is much more tasty than Ensure or Boost, although perhaps not quite as nutritious. Much love, Aunt Marge

  2. Oh, jeez, Emma, your snot-gauze story made me giggle out loud (gol?). You can’t gross out a nurse.

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