The final countdown (probably)

Last time I checked in I was still uncovering clues as to what “June” meant to my orthodontist. He said the beginning of June. But then he said I will “graduate with my students” so I was like…damn, when do they graduate? But then he said maybe even by the end of this month. This month is May BTW.  I’m talking about getting my braces off BTW.

Let’s just say, nobody knows how many days that I’m counting, but I am counting down.

teacher things

I am also counting down to the end of the school year, which us CPS teachers can now accurately do. Somebody came around and thought it would be a good Idea to go until the bitter end, and I think we can all agree that the kids need it and the teachers(*) would have needed a little more warning and money to prepare for the loss of those final paychecks (*me). More proof we’re all in it for the ca$h!

As you can see, I can’t even keep a cactus alive until June, so there’s a reason we get “summer off”

teacher life

During those joyous months of debt accumulating anxiety, I tried applying to a couple of summer jobs. I didn’t come across much, mainly because I have no other skills aside from teaching Spanish, inventing smoothie recipes and buying things on amazon prime. I was also being a little snot and refused to consider anything that had to do with Spanish, children, students, school, children, babysitting, uhg. #nogracias.

Well a miracle happened and a brewery decided to hire me. One excerpt from our phone interview: “Can you name some breweries in Chicago?”

“Lagunitas.” “Yep, any others”

“Two Brothers is something I see at the store.” “Well, no. That’s in _______” (I forgot, but it’s in Illinois).

“Well hey pretty close, same state…, well so yeah then I’m not going to embarrass myself any further”

Aside from that, I’m not a moron and I’m fun.  I was so excited when I got my gear and employee handbook that I ran home in the rain and laid everything on top of myself and took this flattering photo for you all to enjoy. And now I guess you know where I work.

on tour

Back to my teeth/jaw update. I’m pretty sure I will be living out my days with a numb lower lip and chin. Could be worse. That’s the risk you take. It’s not like I was a professional food taster. Probably could have been. Now we’ll never know.

week 8 month 8

I had captioned the photo on the left something along the lines of “can’t wait to compare week 8 to month 8!” Well here ya go self!

Mouth before surgery/braces. Mouth at month 8 (closer to 9) post op. I think I can see the differences in my lips and chin. Slight of course… but also my nose.


And finally, it’s hard to catch a good selfie these days, so that’s just scraggly me at the end of a relaxing day of teaching. The one one the left is the day that I got my braces on a year and a half ago. I think I look a lot less tooth-y if you catch my drift. Obviously my surgeon went ahead and tucked my upper jaw back into my face more. That’s the technical way of explaining it.

In other news, I deleted my Instagram off of my phone for a little social media cleanse. It’s only been a week now and I think I’ve lost weight and gained self esteem. I was getting so obsessed with looking at all of the healthy meals people were making and all of the workouts that they were doing that I was just bumming myself out and making myself worse. I was literally COUNTING calories. Waste. Of. Time. To.The.Max. I’ve also had snap chat off of my phone since I got my iPhone which was months ago. Haven’t missed it.

But don’t worry folks, I’m not better than you. I’ve left my house just a handful of times today and I just wrote this blog so that there was enough space in between me eating my lunch, taking a nap, and having dinner. The only reason that I may be slightly better is because this morning I moved my oven and fridge and sucked up all of the mysteries that were lurking underneath them. If you call it a black jelly bean, it’s a black jelly bean.  love yourself



Turn to Lorca

To  say that I bottle up my emotions is equivalent to saying that Trump may have a light dusting of cheeto on his face. It all comes to the surface in one random moment and then I’m suddenly crying because my $30 face wash didn’t work miracles overnight and I still have the blackheads that I’ve had since I was 12 years old.

I distinctly remember that moment and age because someone asked me what I had on my nose. A pore-less classmate. I didn’t know. Nobody really knew yet- fast forward 16 years and most people have now had them and gotten rid of them. Not moi!

I also recently cried about not being able to move and having braces. As if those were new revelations. I didn’t actually cry about the election, but I did cry when I read some of my students tweeting about it. (Shout out English dept). I’ll paraphrase…

“I’m worried that my mom will be deported”   ….    “Will my family be separated”     …  “I was angry, and then I  was scared. Scared is worse.” 

But after all this time of knowing myself, the tears will likely come on a day  that I am running late to work and realize that I have to get gas.

Wednesday was a really weird day at school (to say the least) and I have never heard so much silence in my classrooms- even when I beg for it. So I turned off the lights put on “depresso music” which then for everyone’s sake I decided to change to golden oldies. By 8th period the depresso had dissipated and we went with banda/ Justin Bieber (for all of 2 minutes).

The feeling of what is to come turns me into a ball of numb more than anything. I watched a lot of episodes of Parks and Rec and that was awesome because I cracked up and felt better. Ron Swanson is hilarious.

The usual morning ritual of  reading the news isn’t really appealing right now, so I put on a black turtleneck and thought of my favorite poet. The person with the most understanding and ability  to encapsulate sadness and beauty that I know of; Federico Garcia Lorca. Thank you Iowa Spanish department. Thank you Spain.

〽️ Federico García Lorca                                                                                                                                                                                 Más:

Federico Garcia Lorca:

The most terrible of all feelings is the feeling of one´s hope having died. Federico Garcia Lorca:

And Pablo Neruda…

federico garcia lorca frases - Google Search:

I also had a  nice juicy free morning that I used to go to a consult about a dental implant. This guy (periodontist?) was like an instagram vision of hot dude hipster professionals. Nice hair, bearded to perfection, kind of broken nose, probably from wrestling a bear in the woods. I was like WTF?! I thought you were Christine, a nice, ideally elderly woman that I would have had no issue with telling me that I have a surprise pocket of 3 wisdom teeth (yes, I’ve had them  pulled before), and looking at me in my most vulnerable state in harsh horrific lighting.

Image result for hot hipster beard This person is not allowed to work in the medical field.

Anyways, I have to wait to get  my braces off to get the implant done, and one of the reasons is that I can’t currently open my mouth wide enough to fit the drill inside. #IDIED #BRIGHTRED.


But look, from  a distance we would make  a great pair.  #lookingoffintothedistance #inthesamedirection

Still not winning with the before and after photos, since I feel like my hair and overall look is way better “before” but clearly my teeth are like WAY better after. And one final snaggle just to get you through the tough times…


I’ll post more pics as soon as I get a makeover…so probably 2017.

Ps- This is spot on!




An avocado a day…is awesome!

I’m nearing the end of week two of my made for lifetime movie Made it through the wire: Food is great. So much change has happened in a matter of days, and all for the better.

I have my splint out (aka dirty lisping mouth guard) and I can take my rubber bands off for meal times; goodbye syringes! I even went out to eat in public with my parents and slowly spooned polenta and fried egg into my mouth while looking into a blush compact. People must have thought ‘that girl is really obsessed with herself.’

The soft food diet is not half bad and I’m really embracing this healthy as fuck lifestyle. I could instagram my meals each day but I’m too busy eating them. That was the old me. The chewing me.

I have lost some weight (refer to: no time for snacks), but to be fair I did gain weight in advance just to be safe, so it’s not a drastic change. Also I’ve been out in the world more than a handful of times at this point and I’m not like THAT skinny. There are some skinny bitches out there if you know what I’m saying #kale #suddenlypeopleareonahealthkick #notabadthing. I’m eating kale too. Totally. I’m making smoothies and drinking tea and going on walks etc. The key difference is that I’m not the girl drinking a green juice before spin class and a full day of teaching yoga. I’m blending my kale with cream and sitting on my couch watching 30 Rock only to pass the time before my magical peanut butter bedtime smoothie.

Speaking of aesthetics…I have been asked if I had this light casual jaw surgery for aesthetic reasons.

While I enjoy my left profile more than I used to, it’s a hard no. If you want to change your looks I would recommend getting yourself some regular plastic surgery and not doing this. Seriously. Today I walked out of my apartment building into the fresh sunshine and saw a cute boy and got all self conscious and looked down… and only then did I know that I was drooling because a long string of it was leading down to a puddle just above my right boob. Dating applications available at youcanspoonfeedme.com/bracesfor6-9moremonths.livewmyparents

But really it’s not so bad. My parents took such good care of me and I’m so lucky.  I highly recommend that you have retired parents if you are considering any major surgery. Otherwise good luck, it’s a tough world out there. They went back up to Wisconsin now that I’m “in the clear” and I have not been afraid to shove a child that’s getting a little to close to jostling me. Watch it ya filthy animal, I’ve been waiting 20 years to have straight teeth and your little spoiled rotten lifestyle of touching whoever you want will not ruin it or cause me strife! Good day! (Said in New York and British accents respectively). 

I think now comes the other hard part of the recovery. The first 2 weeks were the dark days. The queasy, dirty, booger, crust, puffy, lethargic, death medicine days. Moving forward it’s like sooo now that I feel fine, can I just promise to close my mouth really tightly but otherwise feel free to talk like a normal human being? Alas, I am not. One hint was when I went shopping the other day and I tried on three dresses, but I had to sit for a few seconds in between each of them. Literally chilling on that small triangle excuse of a bench in a closet regaining strength. I think that mainly has to do with the fact that I don’t like shopping, because I did attend a full on baby shower and survived with energy to spare for an afternoon walk. If you’re wondering how that went, I mostly contemplated if I could take a macaroon for the road and blend it. I ultimately decided it wouldn’t be the same and in a few weeks (maybe 5?!) I will buy myself all the macaroons I want.

The photos show approximately days 7 until about day 18/19.



So the things that jump out at me are that my eyebrows have indeed grown into fuzzy little caterpillars, and I wear the same 3 outfits on rotation. Regarding my face though I think I’m still totally me and the biggest change is in my profile. I used to never ever ever ever take a photo of my left side because I was missing a tooth and I had a weird crooked nose thing going on. Maybe you never noticed and that’s fine, but I did so that’s all that matters. My smile is still awkward and lopsided due to swelling more on one side but c’est la vie.

I will leave you with some yummy smoothie ideas because I will be bringing this into my future lifestyle for sure. The screenshot below I actually changed a bit and I did pitted dates and forgot about the cacao nibs…but I’m sure I’ll try the chocolate chip thing because anything with almond butter/ peanut butter is my friend.


This morning I made myself a little healthier kind of smoothie….

Raspberries, blueberries, Siggis berry and acai yogurt, splash of milk (I did whole but you can do any kind you want), some spinach leaves and a dash of maple syrup. #healthyasF!

I had that with an egg and avocado. See, soft diets can be cool.

I’ll confess the only drink of boost that I had was at the hospital (I was just showing off that I COULD drink, otherwise bleh). There’s literally 1 jillion other things that you can drink to get calories and vitamins besides that chocolate bullshit.

Also, cashew butter is really yummy and I like eating it with oatmeal and bananas. It’s kind of sweeter but not in a sweet sugary way, more in a coconut-y way. Which leads me to my other new best friend, Vita coco! Maybe it’s not the best thing for you or the jury is still out on it, but for the times when I don’t feel like taking my rubber bands on and off it’s been a decent “snack.”

If anyone wants to talk smoothies/ soft snacks just let me know because I can see I’m rambling now. Food was and always will be my favorite thing and having a jaw wired shut has not held me back.


Gifted and special

Day 11 post op! Made it through the wire! Cue the Kanye Through the wire

Even though the main event of today was me watching Inside Out, crying and then feeling sore, it was a great day. I’m on the advanced track to recovery.

I had an appointment with my orthodontist because he wanted to make sure I didn’t jostle anything too much with my puke last week. He called my face “pudgy” but said I was healing very nicely- and some people are much puffier. Gifted.

He also leaned me back in the chair, a snip here and a snip there, and then my jaw flew open. Not really but it felt like it was going to fall back into my neck and then stay there forever. Then he smushed my face, which is mainly numb so whatever, and showed me how to put my rubber bands in to keep the ole jaw in place until further notice. The green light on soft foods was all I cared about.

Just the other day I cried because my soup was too thick. Here everyone was thinking of me living the dream and having milk shakes, but no! It’s not a milkshake if it’s just sweet watery milk.

“Boost for breakfast, Ensure for dessert” -Kanye. It’s so weird that I can totally relate to him now.

Anyways, it’s my big chance to actually slurp things back  (aka delicately press inside) like mashed potatoes and yogurt. I had to do a little magic bullet action to my mac and cheese as well because my Annie’s bee hive shapes weren’t gliding in so easily. Thick creamy yogurt with a baby spoon was a huge step. A moon landing. And I watched myself in the mirror the whole time, freaking out and surely grossing out anyone watching. (Just my parents).

It was my big chance to talk as well. Rubber bands = silence. No bands = chat and move around lips and mouth in weird formations so that they wake up. It is not as fun as it sounds-yet.  Here is a little visual journey of some of my progress. The first picture where I clearly look bruised and beaten was day 5…my first “normal” feeling day. The final pictures are from today (blue dress).

Tuesday will mark another very exciting event for me- Dr. Reid potentially (ideally) pulling a nose sized booger out of my left nostril so that I can breathe on both sides. The splint will also come out so that talking will involve less lisping. Even though I’m clearly gifted and advanced and doing well thanks to all of my healthy eating choices (avocado, banana, honey, milk), it’s still recommended that I take the first week of school off since my job requires quite a bit of talking and energy. Teachers- lazy bums!


Just like a clarisonic

This is not going to turn into a jaw surgery blog, but it’s long left the station of gallivanting about Europe, so obviously you know why you’re here. For the jokes!

I’m on the mend after having double jaw surgery. I noticed that in some more detailed blogs on the subject they knew the actual name of their surgery that doctors say and it’s like….ytho

If you’re coming here for actual medical advice- turn back! Ask your doctor. If I learned one major thing from stalking people’s jaw surgery blogs it’s that everyone heals VERY differently and I think it all boils down to exactly what was done during your surgery and by who. Or whom…

With a full 6 days (let’s call it a week?) under my belt I can share some of what happened to me- what worked for me- and what just does NOT.

The day of surgery I was pretty calm. It was a really early morning so I only had approximately 10 minutes available to freak out. Not even though because all the nurses were so nice. They loved my name, my shoes, the book I was reading; these people straight up like their job.

Waking up in a fog an unknown amount of hours later was odd and I honestly can’t comment on it, but I’m not sure why I would need to. I kind of wondered how people were blogging and recovering. I didn’t have an actual thought in my head until 2 days ago.

I ended up staying in the hospital for 3 nights which was a good call. Better to be safe than have to haul your big ass face back. I don’t recall any pain- just discomfort and frustration. I think I was breathing through some kind of wild nose tube. Taking that out was probably one of the top 5 worst feelings of my whole life. My recollection is blurry at best but a few doctors seemingly crawled up my nose and cut something out of it for what felt like 5-10 minutes. YIKES.

So after that I was like oh good, the worst is totally over right? Right?! I thought I was a special case and hit my worst feeling on day 3. Looking at my giant ogre face in the mirror I knew it had to be true. Again I wasn’t feeling much pain (shout out to my IV) and I was starting to squirt some liquids down the hatch. Getting all the tape off of my arm from the IV might have been the most painful thing…aside from the nose incident.

Turns out I am not a special case and day 4 is indeed a good approximation for everyone in terms of being “the worst day”. This coincides with finally being at home. I had a pretty good night sleep being in my own bed and then came the dawn of gross. My jaw is wired shut, but not in the the traditional wire sense. It’s just really powerful rubber bands and other stuff I care not to look too closely at. Something I did not read about on any blog I came across was the high level of disgust you must deal with when taking your meds. Unfortunately It could be because I’m allergic to penicillin, but I would write to Harry Potter and tell him I have a disgusting potion that could make someone want to give up their whole family to not taste. Usually you can take gross liquid meds in the quick college frat shot method…however, I have to get it past my wires and my limited breathing so I am slurping down and tasting every flavor morsel this death potion has to offer. I started doing it in the mirror so that I have to look myself in the eye to say “this is what you’re complaining about you awful big headed brat” “You are sad because you have medicine, boo-hoo” “It must be so hard for you to know that you are healing” I still moan and groan because it just goes with the flavor.

So on this momentous day 4 I woke up uncomfortable and took some powerful medicine on an empty stomach. Rookie mistake- but nothing tasted good. NADA. So fast forward 30 minutes and you find out that puke can flow through your very shut mouth someway somehow. After that there were more low life moments but again, I don’t remember. I literally didn’t even watch a movie or TV. I just laid around in a sad haze.


Talk about the difference a few days make. Today I woke up “chipper” as my dad described it. Less puffy, maybe even slightly pleasant to be around. I showered, and then did a part 2 bath/ leg shave. I think that’s how I lost all the weight. I had smoothie requests, I took my little part time therapy dog Walter on a hot short walk, and haven’t taken pain med since this morning.


I liken this experience to the clarisonic brush because when I first used mine, I had 2 great days where I was like “I’m smooth, this was a great idea” and then a week or 2 of weird pimple face. My top concern is that now that I’m aware of my surroundings I won’t be so easily pleased with a glass of juice a day. I’m sitting here dying and drooling just to dig into a jar of peanut butter and lick the spoon clean…and then eat a pizza…I can barely get through a smoothie without looking like this…

baby w food

Just lucky to have my parents care for me as their now giant newborn. Who else would look up into your nose boogies and wipe crust off your lip and then tell you that you look so good!? Walter has probably eaten a few boogies by default. He’s so therapeutic.

Hoping for some major dietary changes at the 2 week mark.